Skyland

Brynna's introduction:  I had read this essay by our Member Malvina who lives in Poland and I thought that it brought up a number of points that both women and men should think about.  Her thoughts and reflections apply not only to straight couples, they should have meaning for gay couples of both genders.  So I asked her if I could post it in the Women of Outlands Blog and she was gracious enough to say "yes."  Thanks, Malvina!

What is a relationship? How do we imagine it? Is it the stereotype of a
guy who works and makes money and his wife who sits at home and cooks and
every day waits for him with a dinner? Or is it just a couple - two
people living together? And what if there is a great distance between them? Is it
still a relationship? What are the rules?

I was curious as to what is the definition, the basic information...this is what I
found:

A relationship is a particularly close interpersonal companionship. It is
in such a relationship in which the participants know or trust one another very
well or are confidants of one another, or a relationship in which there
can be physical or emotional intimacy.

Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate love and
attachment, or sexual intimacy.

Love is an important factor in physically and emotionally intimate
relationships. Though the term is notoriously difficult to define, any
thoughtful inquiry into the subject will show it to be qualitatively,
not only quantitatively, different than liking, and the difference is
not merely in the presence or absence of sexual attraction. According to
one analysis, love in relationships is divided into two types:
passionate and companionate. Passionate love is intense longing, and is
often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid
heart rate). Companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy
and is not necessarily accompanied by physiological arousal.
People who are in an intimate relationship with one another are often
called a couple, especially if the friends and family of that couple have ascribed
some degree of permanency to their relationship. Such couples often
provide the emotional security that is necessary for them to accomplish
other tasks, particularly forms of labor/work."

Well... It seems to be so obvious. Two people - they know each other,
they trust each other, they even love each other (and as the definition
says, it's an important factor) and there is not only passion between
them but also affection and willingness to just be together.

But I have a feeling, very often it happens not to be this way
anymore. People still want to be in relationships but only in those which are
comfortable  - short lasting ones where actually only the passionate love
is important. Not a  companionate one, no providing of emotional security.
And I don't mean one night stands or open relationships, no. Just people
that don't care about these things anymore, people who are in
relationships but they don't need anyone for the emotional security.
But then, some questions appear: What are the rules again? And what
actually made this change in our attitudes and values? Whose falsehood is it
and who made the decision about it? Guys or women?

Woman used to be the one that took care of the house, kids, and of
course her husband worked hard and made money. And so? Was it a
bad deal?

I guess it was because one day women decided to work, vote, and have the same
rights as the men have. (And honestly... Were the guys happy at this point?
I don't think so.)The roles of woman and man as well as the rules of relationships
have totally changed.
Now, we see nice looking ladies who walk or drive their
cars to work. They are office managers, directors, journalists and
always busy, always in a rush, going somewhere to meet with people, to
organize another event or sign something.

The thing is, they want to be independent. Do they just want to? Or
maybe they secretly know they have to be because they can't rely on guys?
What did guys do to make women feel so insecure? Did they become lazy?
Did they stop trying? Or maybe both? Or maybe they are the ones that
want a relationship to be short and based just on the passionate love
and nothing else?  If so, maybe thanks to it, girls know they can't
count for any security or they are aware they will be left alone sooner
or later? That would be horrible but unfortunately it happens more and
more often. More and more often I meet guys that even say that aloud.
They want to have girlfriends because it's nice. Of course it is! But
the reasons they give, telling why it is nice, are not really the ones
that girls would like to hear and to make it clear, no emotional
security is mentioned.

And well.. .relationships like this also works for some women. But
today even the independent  women (that seem not to need anyone) have
still those "old-fashioned" instincts to take care of their men. And if
they, as it appears after some time, do not care about anything then....
Is taking care of them worth? I guess not. It only hurts that guys don't
appreciate what we do for them and our trying becomes pointless.
In my mind, men are really amazing creatures when it comes to some
things but when it comes to being affectionate, sensitive, honest or
thankful they fail more and more often. I just wonder why. Why do they
run away from real relationships so often? Things like affection or somebody's
support used to matter to guys. Now, they don't. Why so many men treat
women only as experiences?  Did we change so much that you don't want
to be with us for more than a month...or a year?

Also... Let's be honest - sometimes it's so easy to fall in love with a
guy but from what I noticed, very often girls are just afraid to take
such a risk. No wonder. They don't show their feelings too quickly and they
also don't believe all the things that guys tell them (compliments etc.)
not to get hurt afterwards.  Guys also like to disappear from time to time.
This also doesn't make us sure about what they really want.
It brings back the question about rules but also... how to be with a guy
without getting used to him and falling in love with him? Is it possible
at all?

There was always this sweet game between a guy and a girl (which now is
much more complicated but still...)We follow instincts, intuition. Our observations,
conclusions are the only instructions which we women have...
 
The first message, then the second one. A phone call on the next day or later.
A meeting point, a date...then a sleepless night because
he was so cute and charming and of course her hope that there will be
something more. "Maybe he will even fall in love with me?", "Why not?",
"I bet there was something more when he said it was nice to meet me."
But the truth is, that at this point when these "13 years old girl thoughts"
come to us we should stop being so naive or we will  be very disappointed.
(Many girls know they just should tell themselves "Hey, be careful - he
was nice but it doesn't mean anything." but there are some who will
strongly believe the guy loves them.)

Well...  Sometimes he texts her after some time, she texts him back,
they have another date, he walks her home, she invites him upstairs,
they spend wonderful night and wake up with a relief. On the next day he
thinks he won and she hopes she hurt him at least a little not texting
him saying how nice it would be if they meet again sometime in future.

But sometimes after their first meeting, the guy just disappears. It
doesn't matter what he said before.If he said it was wonderful talking
with her or not, he's going to be busy for the next few weeks. And after
she doesn't think of him anymore he appears again randomly asking how
her life is going. She's confused but believes he really likes her.  And
again he disappears for some time just to text her in a month asking
if she would like to go on a trip with him. Should she forget about her
plans she had and go with him? Or maybe she shouldn't take him seriously
at all because it didn't seem like he was treating her seriously from
the beginning? Isn't it too much? What kind of game is it? Is it a game at all?
Maybe guys are just becoming weird.

And if there is a great distance involved? If a girl meets a guy from
foreign country over internet, they can talk for a pretty long time, he seems to
like her, says it would be nice to meet in real life but unfortunately he
can't visit her because he won't get even a few days off at work, should
she care at all to put an effort into saving money just to visit him
instead?  What if it was just a game and he didn't make it clear before she bought
a plane ticket?

Of course, sometimes a guy really falls in love with a girl, he still
meets with her, he's still cute and charming and after some time they
live as a happy couple. Of course, sometimes a guy is really busy and
has no time to meet or talk although he would love to. And of course,
sometimes the feelings expressed over internet are honest.  I would be
cruel if I said it doesn't happen at all. But I have a feeling, men that
want to be in a serious relationships will be soon counted as endangered
species.

So maybe we really shouldn't waste time looking for a right guy but keep
working on building our careers? And maybe Marilyn Monroe was right
in saying that a smart girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe
and leaves before she's left?

There are 3 Comments for 08 10 08 Are guys weird?

Add A Comment

Name:

Email:

URL:

Message:

Performing Spam Check